LimeTouch

Last week, Lorelle challenged us to write about a moment when we felt “big”, our shining positives. This week it is the opposite. Instead, she wants us to write about a moment when we felt “small”, where everything just seemed to be heading in a downward spiral to an endless pit of nothingness with no hope of return.

I am one of the fortunate few to be born in a well to do family, not exactly rich but we could afford to live extravagantly. Anything I wanted to get, be it a toy or a video game, my parents would instantly get it for me. Everything was going great until a fateful day while on my way to school, something at the corridor disturbed me. I could remember, I hadn’t even reach the age of 12.

Red paint smeared over the wall, in Chinese words saying:

#03-259, 欠錢還錢！

In a quick translation, it was the work of loan sharks asking for money to be paid. I was afraid something would happen to my dad, my mum, the house we were living in and even myself. I was to learn from my mum that we had actually ran into debt and borrowing from the loan sharks was the way out my dad took.

Everyday, fresh paint would be smeared on the walls at the level our unit was located. My mum and my then maid had to scrub the paint off the walls everyday, and as for me, I prayed every night that nothing bad would happen.

Suddenly my whole life was turned upside down, instead of having a childhood of freedom and joy, I was living in constant fear. Things took a turn for the worst when paint was smeared over our door, I was very traumatized by the further aggravation of the threats. Thoughts of having our house being burnt down did cross my mind. However at that point of time, those thoughts were nothing more than my own imagination. Every other night, I would have nightmares haunting me.

The fact that my parents were divorced didn’t help things one bit. On 1 end, I was fighting with these inner demons of fear, on another, I was broken apart in the most crucial point of time when I needed the support and unity from my parents. That is probably why I find it very difficult to express my true feelings to those close around me, I shield it perfectly from others.

I kept all these thoughts to myself, no one knew, not my sister, not my parents and not even my maid. The entire situation dragged on for a couple of months before it finally quietened down and we did not hear from the loan sharks ever again.

I told myself that I would never put my family or loved ones in the kind of situation that I have been through at such a young age. This promise I made to myself is still firmly etched in my mind. The series of events which took place hardened me as I was growing up in more ways than one. While others around me had the luxury of spending money as and when they liked, I had to be thrifty in every sense.

Till today, my family is still hung up with debts, waiting to be paid every month. Things are certainly looking up compared to a decade ago, and I am hopeful that we will eventually clear all the debts we owe in time to come without having to go through terrible moments like that ever again.

Growing up this way isn’t pleasant at all, I wished I could have enjoyed the kind of childhood and support from my parents which every other child had, to be able to play and grow happily under the watchful eyes of mum and dad. But this only made me mature faster than others in certain aspects. It has also aided in shaping the kind of person I am right now.

This has made me become self-reliant but at the same time not putting much on kinship, though I still wish and dream of the warmness of a family.