For 4 years now, I have been spending Christmas with my used to be special someone whom I could give all the attention to. I loved being able to plan surprises and think of where to bring her to on this one fine night.

The joy of buying the most precious but at times inexpensive gifts is always the most daunting of tasks but I would gladly part with my time and money for the chance to do it.

This year, it will be different. Instead of celebrating with her, I would most probably be going out with my friends around me or with no one at all. I still remember the moments whereby we could just sit down by the rocks at the inner end of the Esplanade towards Marina Bay and just talk to each other under the stars about anything and everything.

It was really a blissful feeling back then, unknowingly, we could just ramble on and on, about basically anything with no regard for time. Even if there wasn’t anything to talk about, just having her company by my side was just as beautiful.

All this while, ever since our breakup; I have been wondering whether it was an error of judgment on my part. I never like to look back or have any feelings of regret once I make a decision, but till today I am still pondering about this question.

Though we are still on talking terms, I occasionally chat with her on MSN; I never really knew how she felt after all these time. Be it about me or our relationship of 4 and a half years.

Many a times my friends post a question to me on whether there is a chance of patching up with her again, and without thinking, I always reply a resounding “No”. But deep down inside, there is an emotional part of me saying that I do wish to embrace her love again. Even after 8 months of going our separate ways, there are feelings nonetheless, make no mistake about it. That was how strongly I felt for her. Mutual or not, I leave that to the other party.

Spending Christmas with your friends and with your special someone are 2 totally different experiences. If given a choice, I would much rather spend the time with my special someone whereby I can give and receive her undivided attention. What kind of Christmas I will be celebrating this year, we will see in due course.

I feel so much better letting out what was lingering in my heart for so long now.